inner conflict. . .

i wake up, and as my day starts, so do my first sensations and thoughts. next come my plans -- things to do, intentions for the day.

but, something else comes too, a pressure i know only too well. it may come as a voice inside or a sensation within, or a pressure in my forehead or a familiar heaviness on my shoulders. behind each of these responses, lies the question: "will i make it??"

the pressure arises not only because of the number of things i need to do or from the feeling that there never seems to be enough time to do all of it, but mostly, from a vague, even unconscious feeling that to do it all will take effort.

how have stress and pressure become such constant companions in my life? when did i start running, having no time for myself, feeling distant from people and preoccupied? when did that happen? is this what life is all about? i feel uncertain, afraid of failure and, more than that, i expect and in fact take for granted, a level of stress in merely gettin' through my day.

the pressure is instant and, without realizing it, i am 'in the dock' and have started to assess and judge myself. i am measuring my worth -- as a woman, as a wife, as a mother, as a daughter, and as worker.

from childhood on, one of the things i have learned to do -- and continue to refine, is to pretend.. daily, i put on a mask and with it i move through the world, hoping to be considered truly authentic or, atleast, not to be exposed as a fraud.

i use this mask to avoid facing my frustrations, my isolation and any lack of satisfaction. i use it to avoid the sudden opening of an abyss where nothing makes sense at all, and questions such as 'what am i doing here?'..

serenity is what i truly need, an inner solace which cannot be found to where i am right now. i have to learn how to accept things as they are which i am still striving to learn. i am open to learn. and i am eager to learn. right now, i open my eyes and see the real picture, which i have to face every single day. . .